Florida

Wow, where has the time gone? I'm still on top of things here, to the point I scarcely think about it anymore. It was all brought back to my mind though recently when I found out my dear friend Florida had really been struggling. She's been struggling for a long time and I never knew. I immediately felt like a shitty friend. The first thing I did was apologize to her for not being there, for not being the friend I wanted to be and that she needed. Apparently things have been very rocky lately and she relapsed, which happens. She is still so strong and I know she can come back from this. She's currently part of an intensive partial hospitalization program to try and get her anorexia under control again. My heart hurts for her every day and I just wish there was more I could do. I feel so helpless. Please send up as many prayers as you can for her for strength, faith, and continued recovery. This girl is my heart and it hurts so much to see her in pain.

Recovery Playlist!

Hey lovely ladies, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things got a little chaotic with me going out of town last weekend and now contracting what seems to be West Nile (no worries, I seem to be on the mend!). Anyway, I know something that really helps me when I'm feeling icky for any reason is some good music! A good, positive song can really help get you over the hump when you're having one of those down-in-the-dumps kind of days or when those voices are poking at you just a little too much, so I've decided to share my recovery playlist with y'all! I also attempted to link the playlist from my youtube so you can find the songs easier but no promises on how well that'll work. Fingers crossed. Feel free to comment below if you found another song that helps you so I can add it to my list!

(in no particular order)

1) "Try" - Colbie Caillat
2) "Beautiful" - Bethany Dillon
3) "More Beautiful You" - Jonny Diaz
4) "Skin Deep" - Zoegirl
5) "Mirror" - Barlow Girl
6) "One More Round" - Barlow Girl
7) "One More" - Superchick
8) "Crushed and Created" - Caitlyn Smith
9) "Little Victories" - Matt Nathanson
10) "Can't Go Back Now" - The Weepies
11) "Permission to Shine" - Bachelor Girl
12) "Recover" - Natasha Bedingfield
13) "Shine" - Carmen Rasmusen
14) "Don't You Know You're Beautiful" - Kellie Pickler

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEGwD9Oa4g2OI2DoJ1bZePO_R4I3GPmUJ


And if the link works, keep checking back because I'll keep adding more inspirational songs as I find them!

Needing positive vibes!

Hey guys, just popping in to say I'll be making myself scarce for a bit. I'm struggling right now and it's been touch-and-go for the past couple of days. I'm continuing to process as best I can with my therapist and in my private journal and I'll reflect on it here once the storm has passed. I don't want to trigger anyone with details but I do want you guys to know that despite how sunshine-and-rainbows I tend to sound on here (purposely), I do still struggle and go through rough patches and I'm in one now. Anyway, so if y'all could be sending positive thoughts or prayers or whatever my way to help get me through this and figure out what I need to be doing, I'd appreciate it and I promise I'll catch up with y'all once I have my wits about me again. Love!

Perfection

I don't know one person who's battled an eating disorder that doesn't struggle with the need to be perfect and I am no exception. I've been doing really well lately accepting myself so I think I'd kind of forgotten how much of a hold perfectionism still has on me until tumbling class the other night.

I was frustrated throughout the entire class and felt like I'd actually digressed from last week, my first week ever doing any of it. It felt like every time I fixed one thing, something else fell apart, which is what my life in general tends to feel like sometimes. I was so frustrated with myself I had to work hard not to cry, which for those of you who know me know that means I was really frustrated because I very rarely cry. With all the confidence and inner strength I've been finding in myself lately, I'm very used to being able to do whatever I put my mind to but that night I felt like I was giving it 150% and still failing. I couldn't will my body to do what I wanted it to no matter how hard I tried, which was triggering. I knew in reality that it takes more than two times to master something completely new but because I'm a perfectionist I felt like I should have it down already and was angry when I didn't. I didn't want to be on a learning curve, I wanted to be able to do it now, felt like I should be able to. The problem wasn't that my round-offs were all over the place, the problem was that I was setting unrealistic expectations for myself and therefore setting myself up for failure. When we expect perfection, how can we not fail? I was so upset, I was in intense emotional pain, pain I could feel in my chest, because I wasn't perfect. I also tend to spiral so feeling like I failed at this made me feel like I failed at life and it just went on from there. It's moments like this when I just want to quit everything. It's moments like this when recovery is hard and giving in to that perfectionism would be easier, especially because intense stress like this takes away my appetite. Something else that sometimes comes along with these feelings of inadequacy is feeling like I have to punish myself for my failure, which can also lead to restriction.

The bottom line though is eating disorders are about pain, emotions we can't handle. We tell ourselves all kinds of things to justify it, to make it make sense in our head, but deep down the cause is always the same. We want to restrict or binge or purge because we're hurting and don't know how to deal with it, don't want to deal with it. We just want the hurt to go away. A lot of times we're scared too. We're afraid that we're not good enough, both for others and for ourselves. We feel like our lives are overwhelming or spinning out of control, like we're just along for the ride. To make sure we're adequate, to keep things under our thumb, we become perfectionists. If I'm the perfect daughter/sister/wife/friend, they won't hurt me anymore. If I'm the perfect athlete, I won't look in the mirror and feel insecure anymore. If my house is perfectly clean or my schoolwork is always 100%, the rest of my life won't feel so out of control. If I'm perfect, I'll finally be good enough, my life will finally be good. This is what we tell ourselves but soon we find we're like a mouse on a wheel - running toward this idea of perfection as fast as we can but never getting anywhere different. It is only when we're able to let go and accept ourselves with all our imperfections and deal honestly with our emotions that we can get off the wheel and start to really live our lives again. We can't be perfect but we can be dedicated, hard-working, funny, kind, smart, ambitious, beautiful. These are the things we can celebrate on a daily basis without condemning ourselves to failure.

Personally, I made myself cry on the way home to help get some of those emotions out and let a little of the pressure loose. I took some time when I got home, watched some of Kati's videos, and just waiting it out a little bit. I ate dinner when I was ready and ate what I wanted. I made it through that episode, one more notch on my belt of successes. I fought the urge to relapse and push those feelings down and sat with them and felt them instead. It wasn't easy by any means but I felt better in the end than I would have if I'd missed a meal, I know that. Kati has an awesome journal exercise about perfectionism that I also did during that time and I attached the video for you guys below. In the words of JJ Heller, "Perfection has a price, but I cannot afford to live that life. It always ends the same, a fight I never win." (JJ Heller - Control)

Role Models

During my earlier recovery days, and still now, I really enjoyed looking up celebrities and others in the public eye who had struggled with and overcome eating disorders and I was in hog heaven when I could find a memoir from one. Here are my favorite recovery warriors:

 

Tracey Gold struggled battled anorexia twice in her life and the second time almost lost her battle. Her book "Room to Grow: An Appetite for Life" is one of my favorites and I've read it many times.

 

 

Jennifer Kirk is a retired competitive figure skater. She won the gold medal at the World Junior Championships in 2000 and quit competitive skating a year before her Olympic circuit to get her eating disorder under control. I can't recall for certain which type she had. Now she is an advocate for eating disorder awareness and healthy body image. She has several self-help videos on her Youtube channel that I really like and has responded to me both via Facebook and email. She's such a sweetheart. I was going to link her channel here but I can't seem to find it. I asked her about it and if I can get to the videos I'll post them because they're awesome.

 

 

Demi Lovato has kind of become the poster-child for mental illness awareness lately and I think she's been doing a great job! Not too long ago, Demi came out about her struggles with bulimia, self-injury, and bipolar disorder. Now she's constantly in the spotlight promoting positive body image and loving yourself just the way you are. She doesn't have a book out yet that I know of but she definitely needs to write one!

 

 

 

This young lady isn't in the spotlight much and her battle with anorexia wasn't a huge public thing but I still really enjoy her story and the way she goes about life today. Miss Scarlett Pomers tells her story here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMHBzEsNDI4

 

 

While I don't necessarily agree with a lot of the choices Portia de Rossi makes in her life, her story of recovery is inspiring. I haven't yet finished her book "Unbearable Lightness" but while it's good and very honest, it is more triggering than Tracey's because of the amount of details and the way it's written so just be mindful of that if you decide to pick it up. She shares her story on "Ellen" here (it's in two parts): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Sl7L3MzQo

 

 

Those are just a few of the ladies I've looked up who have shared their stories of illness and recovery. A few others I know are on the list but either there isn't much out there about that part of their lives or I just haven't looked into them much are:

 

• Kellie Martin (actress, "Christy")
• Candace Cameron (actress, "Full House")
• Wynonna Judd (singer)
• Dana Delaney (actress)
• Princess Diana (late ex-wife of Prince Charles)
• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (reality tv star, "Jersey Shore")
• Brittany Snow (actress, "Hairspray")
• Kelly Clarkson (singer, American Idol winner)
• Katie Couric (talk show host, tv journalist)
• Danielle Fishel (actress, "Boy Meets World")
• Paula Abdul (singer, former American Idol judge)
• Jessica Alba (actress, "Fantastic Four")
• Kate Winslet (actress, "Titanic")
• Amanda Beard (US Olympic swimmer)
• Nadia Comaneci (Russian Olympic gymnast)
• Kathy Rigby (US Olympic gymnast)

The last person I'd like to share makes it in my list as a warrior because of all she does to promote awareness and all the time she spends helping those of us who struggle. Kati Morton is a licensed therapist out of Los Angeles, California who specializes in eating disorders. She's also the head of a huge online community of those battling eating disorders, self-harm, and other mental illnesses. She puts out videos 5 days a week on various topics and has a website, complete with forums to talk with others who share our struggles and free workbooks you can download for self-harm and eating disorders. Her Youtube channel is https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton and her website is katimorton.com

 

 

Which recovery warriors inspire you?

Connections

Going public with my eating disorder was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was making myself vulnerable and open to judgment and being vulnerable is something I really struggle with, even in the safety of my therapy room and with my closest friends. While getting my feelings and my story out has been really cathartic for me, what has helped me heal the most and brought me the most blessing is all the connections I've made and how much I've been able to help others through my transparency. Now I will say that to protect the privacy of the wonderful women I've met who may not be ready to go public with their personal journeys, I'm going to give everyone nicknames instead of using their real names, at least for those who have been through our struggle. Anyway...

I met Florida at the NEDA walk in my hometown in October of 2013. She is still dear to my heart and I try to see her and her daughter as much as I can. We were both walking alone and got to talking. I told her about vaulting and she came out to try it and has been a special member of the team every since. If I hadn't taken the risk of going to that walk and saying openly that I was there because I had struggled, I wouldn't have a friendship that means so much to me and someone who I have helped and has helped me through recovery.

My beautiful roommate in college, Barefoot, and I lived together for many months before we opened up to each other and discovered we had both suffered from eating disorders. It meant so much to have someone that close to me who understood what I was going through. I knew I always had someone to talk to about it if things got rough.

I frequently share things on my Facebook from different recovery groups and eating disorder pages and after seeing something I'd posted, an online friend I'd conversed with many times, Daisy, told me of her current struggles with an eating disorder. I was the first person she ever told. I was able to give her support and let her know she wasn't alone, as well as find her a good counselor who in-turn found her a program to help her jump-start her recovery.

The other day at work, Fajita, one of my co-workers, opened up to our other co-workers that she used to be anorexic. She bravely answered their prying questions and tried to explain such an intimate, confusing part of her life. I sent her a message the next day to let her know I was in recovery too and she could always talk to me. I could hear the relief in her words as she typed back. She said how hard it'd been for her to share that with everyone and that she's almost cried...and that she still struggles. I told her that I do too and we bonded. Now, we know each other, understand each other, on a whole new level and we can both tell, even if we never speak of it again. We both know the other is there to understand our struggle.

Connecting with other amazing warriors brings me so much joy and helps me know that even in the hard times I made the right decision by putting my struggles and my journey out there. Those I meet because of it help me as much as I help them. If nothing else, we both leave knowing there's someone out there who understands, who gets us in a way no one else can. That in itself empowers us to move forward, knowing we don't have to do it alone.

Numbers

So I'm really going to try and use this thing more to document my journey in recovery from my eating disorder, as well as spreading awareness so that's what I'm attempting here. This happened a week or so ago but I wanted to share it with you guys. :)

Once I really started my recovery the one thing I adamantly refused to do was know how much I weigh. Even during my last relapse a year ago, I never stepped back on the scale because I understand the kind of power it has for me. Anytime I have to be weighed at the doctor's office (which is often because I'm in there a lot) I step on backwards which is usually clue enough but when in doubt I tell them I don't want to know. I did this for two years, honestly feeling that knowing that number was the one thing that could cause me to backslide and not sure if I could get myself out again if I did. I just worked on teaching myself that being healthy and in shape is what matters and that my athletic body is something to be proud of. A number doesn't mean squat.

Well, a week or so ago I was looking through paperwork I got from the cardiologist and all of a sudden there is was. My weight had been recorded on the paper and was staring me in the face. My first reaction was panic but then I went "wait....it's okay. That's right where it should be." A sort of peace came over me and suddenly the one thing I though still held so much power over me didn't anymore. I felt free. I still won't look at scales in the future, simply because it doesn't matter but knowing that number and being okay with it...I can't even describe how that feels. I'd been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for years but never really knew what I wanted and was way too chicken. Then I saw a recovery tattoo my friend from the NEDA walk got and I was in love. She said I should get a matching one and I really wanted to but was on the fence. I just wasn't sure this struggle was something I wanted to be made a part of me forever in such an obvious and permanent way. I got my recovery tattoo, matching hers, across my ribs a couple of days after I saw my weight for the first time in over two years.

It felt like a great milestone to commemorate and I felt at peace about owning my journey in that way. I realize that this whole walk is a permanent part of me, whether it's tattooed on me or not, and more importantly that that's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, the victory is something to be proud of and that's what I work to be every day. I know there will still be days when I struggle and maybe even some relapses down the road somewhere but I also know that that's part of the journey and it's okay. Holding ourselves to an insane standard of perfection is what got us into this mess. Realizing we're going to stumble and make mistakes and be human is a part of what sets us free.

What's your motivation?

Today I was reminded how easy is can be to fall back into an eating disorder, even when you've been on the straight-and-narrow for a while.

I got really triggered today and the thoughts were really loud and all I wanted to do was sit at home and wallow in them so-to-speak. Instead though, I got myself up and went to vaulting like I was supposed to and on my gosh did it help! This sport is so therapeutic for me it's ridiculous and I think I sometimes forget that too. My friend on the team also got her silks up tonight and  I got my first lesson! It was so fun but I know my arms are going to be sore in the morning. All of this just reminded me again of all the things I CAN do and everything I would have to give up if I fell back into my ED. We try to convince ourselves that THIS time will be different. THIS time we can balance an ED with all the things we want to do in life. THIS time it won't get out of control. THIS time it'll make things better. We "THIS time" ourselves back into the pit and inevitably find out that THIS time is just like all the other times. We're just as miserable as we have been every other time and it controls us just as much as it always has. I know I found this out during my relapse last year around this time. I was convinced that I could handle it, that I could do it all, and I couldn't. An ED takes over your life. Physically, when I restrict I can't do the sport I love anymore and lose all the strength I've worked so hard to build. Mentally, I may feel better in some ways for a little while, but it takes hold so fast and soon I find myself obsessed and living in fear. Emotionally, every day is still a rollercoaster, made worse by the irritability and controlling nature restricting brings with it.

Don't get me wrong though, even knowing all that there are days when I miss my ED. Like I tried to explain to my therapist last night, it's comforting and makes me feel in control. If that's you too, there's nothing to be ashamed of, it's normal. I was having one of those days today until I got out there and remembered all the things I love about my life that I would have to give up if I let my ED win. For me, a big part of recovery is motivation. That was my jump-start. I had to want something else more than I wanted my ED. I want to live a life that makes a difference in the world. I want to have so many experiences and hone so many skills and I know a relapse would rob me of all of that but during those times when I'm stressed or feeling insecure or out of control, those thoughts come back and it's almost like a siren call. Even though we know they're bad, they can be so hard to ignore and remember which direction you're going when you're listening to them, so much so that sometimes we crash. I didn't crash today and I'm proud of myself for that. I reconnected with my last therapist today and talked to her for a good while, just telling her how I've been doing and she's proud of me too. I think talking to her made me realize just how far I've come and how much I've changed, just in the last couple of years. I'm finally living outside of constant fear and trying to live every day just going for it. No matter what I try and if I succeed or fail, I don't want anyone to be able to say I failed because I didn't give it my all. I don't want fear to stop me from doing amazing things ever again.

My Story

As many of you know, I am an advocate for healthy body image and eating disorder awareness. I think it's time I told you why.

My story begins in February 2007, trying on dresses for a church Valentine’s Day event. As I undressed in front of the mirror, I looked at myself and was shocked. I had love handles. Where did those come from and how long had they been there? It was on this day, after that look in the mirror, that I started worrying about my body. I had always been little, short and thin, without effort. I had always been able to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, without a second thought. At 16 though, after hitting puberty, my body chemistry was undergoing a drastic change. I was filling out, going from girl to woman, and I didn't like it. Growing up had always been a scary concept for me. In fact I remember being just a little thing, elementary school age, and telling my mother that I was worried about going off to college and leaving home. I constantly longed for the days when I was younger and things were simpler, especially after my eyes were opened to many deep-seeded family issues at about this time.

These worrisome thoughts continued to take up residence in the back of my mind for the next several months but I never did anything about them until an opportunity suddenly presented itself to me. It was June 2008 and the night before a friend and I were supposed to leave for a week-long church camp, I woke up with the stomach flu. This particular illness hit me once a year like clockwork until my adult years and whereas in most it is called a "24-hour bug" for a reason, it could easily lay me up completely for three days. By some miracle, after being sick all night and into the morning and missing the bus to camp, I awoke after only 12 hours feeling much better. My mother proceeded to drive my friend and I to Galveston to meet up with the rest of the kids. As is typical for me after a stomach bug, I didn't have a big appetite and in fact couldn't eat much at first. What little I did eat was basically crackers and other bits of bland food. Now I can't recall when or how the idea exactly hopped into my head, but somewhere within those first couple of days I realized that this could be just the way to ease the worries about my body and weight that had been plaguing me over the past few months. I knew about eating disorders, just as pretty much any teenage girl does, but, just like most, I didn't know enough. Whatever the thoughts were that were going through my head at that point, I continued to limit my food intake that week, even as I began to get well. Don't misunderstand, I knew exactly where I was headed I just didn't understand the gravity of that place. I knew from day one that there was wrong in what I was doing and I think I wanted help from the emotions that were buried deep inside and fueling this new thing, so much so that by the end of the week I'd confessed to my older sister and returned to normal eating patterns...for the time being.

Over the next three years I would battle a restrictive eating disorder off and on many different times with varying severity. The main issue with me was always how fast it took hold and due to my already small size and probably the presence of an autoimmune disease I am now aware of but wasn’t then, the physical ailments that go along with it came about in a matter of weeks. Though most wouldn't be able to recognize a period of relapse or remission in photographs during that time, I can. I may not have looked physically smaller to the untrained eye, but I was always cold, had irregular and infrequent periods, shed a lot of hair, felt constantly exhausted and irritable, and my heart palpitations worsened significantly. And on the inside, I was becoming obsessed and terrified of getting fat and therefore terrified of food.

I cannot stress enough that the absence of a fail appearance and/or diagnostically significant amount of weight loss does NOT mean that there is not a serious problem. An eating disorder is present first and foremost in the mind. The way we feel about ourselves and the imperfection we see is the disease. It is the mind that attacks the body. The rest are just symptoms.

I remember significant events during those years by whether or not I was eating normally. Every memory is colored with the preoccupation and loss of joy eating disorders bring. In some cases I can even remember what I did or didn't eat on certain occasions, which is very abnormal for my memory elsewhere. Nowadays I'm lucky if I can remember what I had for breakfast this morning.

I was obsessed with numbers, be they the ones on the scale or the back of a cereal box. ED sufferers become very restrictive on what they will and will not allow into their bodies. Even as a child I had been a very picky and monotonous eater so this felt relatively normal to me anyway and came pretty easily. The difference between, for example, athletes on restricted diets and eating disordered individuals is, again, in the mindset. With EDs it's a compulsion. We can't not do it. You get to the point that a cookie feels punishable by death. I remember grocery shopping was a nightmare during this time. I had to read the back of EVERYTHING and evaluate the calorie content, fat content, and sodium to decide if it was passable or not. Most often I would pick a number and refuse to buy anything over that calorie content. As I shopped my number would become lower and more unrealistic, making finding anything acceptable a real challenge. Then, on top of that, I felt like everyone was watching me, especially the checker and other customers in line, judging me for what I was buying. All this often resulted in my spending an hour or more in the store and leaving a complete anxious, overwhelmed mess with maybe a handful of items.

Another thing I became obsessed with was serving sizes. Rarely did I eat anything apart from the serving size suggested on the box. I assume this began because the amounts listed of calories, fat, and sodium correlate directly with the serving size. Even in this state I was lazy with math. At my worst point I was down to 200-250 calories a day. To give you an idea of just how little that is, it’s about the equivalent of an apple, a Special K bar, and maybe a yogurt (not that I ate yogurt. Dairy is one of the hardest food groups for many Anas because of the high fat content). Just your average turkey sandwich with cheese on white is more than that. I had a journal in which I kept both a record of what I ate and the content of the different things I was allowed to eat, though that list was so short I’d committed most of it to memory.

 

I’d sit in front of the mirror for long periods of time, dissecting what needed to be changed, always seeing fat here and chunkiness there. There were many days I couldn’t even bear look in the mirror at all.

 

During most of my stint, I was similar to Tracey Gold who called herself a “lazy anorexic”. Working out was never really my thing. Towards the end, after I’d entered college, I picked up the pace on that part of it but it wasn’t part of the equation at all for the first year and a half to two years of my illness. My apartment had a work-out room that was accessible by key 24 hours a day so the majority of my elliptical work (my preferred method of torture because it burned the most calories in the shortest amount of time and like I said I was obsessed but still lazy) was done in the early hours of the morning, before I’d ever been to bed. Just like everything with me though, once I started working out, it was almost impossible to stop. I’ve been a perfectionist as long as I can remember and it’s never enough. It’s always one more mile or fifteen more minutes, always pushing my body to the limit and then creating a higher one. Even to this day I have trouble respecting my body when it tells me it’s time to quit for the day. I always strive for more and have trouble accepting anything less than the best from myself. Most often these work-outs occurred during homecoming week. I wasn’t sleeping anyway, due both to the float building and the insomnia that had plagued me since high school, and maybe that’s part of the reason that I relapsed during homecoming week every year, without fail, until I was a senior.

In October 2011, I entered recovery from EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) for what would be the final time. In the two years since I have had only one relapse. Make no mistake though, I am still in recovery, every day, and will continue to be for the rest of my life. Just as they say “once an alcoholic, always as alcoholic”, so it is with eating disorders. Once you’ve been there, no matter how many years it’s been, it’s always a weak spot. It doesn’t have to hold you back and there are some days when you barely notice it at all but it’s something you always have to be mindful of and keep in check. I haven’t stepped on a scale of my own will and volition in the past two years and when weighed at the doctor’s, I always stand backwards. That is my one falling point. Seeing that number is the one thing that could guarantee a relapse at this point because I’m not past that part yet. Most days I can look at my reflection and be okay. I have recently found pride in having the body of an athlete but while I know the number on that scale doesn’t really mean anything, it still holds power over me. Hopefully there will come a day when it doesn’t anymore.

My treatment plan today is 4-fold. Firstly, I take medication. I have a few other conditions that warrant it as well but basically it helps keep my mind and emotions relatively stable so I can focus my mental and emotional energy on working through things without brain chemistry I can’t control getting in the way. Second, I have an amazing therapist I meet with once a week. While my ED isn’t generally on the fore-front of our sessions, I have someone to go to who can help me talk through the struggles and the times when those old thoughts start to creep back in so we can nip them in the bud. Third, I have a service dog that, like the meds, keeps my other conditions in check and helps ease my anxiety in a positive way. Besides, it’s kind of hard to not love yourself when you’re constantly in the company of a creature that sees their whole world reflected in your eyes and thinks you are the most perfect creations God ever made. And on the practical side, I love him with all I have and eating disorders are selfish diseases. If I’m sick, I can’t take care of him, which is the least I can do since he takes such good care of me. The biggest thing for my recovery though has been horses, most particularly the sport of equestrian vaulting. While there are many benefits vaulting gives me in this sense, such as keeping me in shape and giving me a place to put my drive, die-hard work ethic, and perfectionism, the biggest thing it does for me is give me the will to stay in recovery. I think I can honestly say that without vaulting, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me or where I would have ended up but I do know there’s a definite possibility that I would’ve ridden this thing until I was in so deep I couldn’t find my way back out. The first summer I started vaulting I very quickly came to the realization that I could not both vault and restrict. My body simply couldn’t handle it. I was losing strength and my vaulting was suffering. So, I had to make a choice between my eating disorder and the sport I had fallen in love with. At that point, it was that simple. Now that is NOT to say it was easy. It took a lot of commitment and hard work to get to where I am today and even after two years, I’m still not 100%. I don’t know that I ever will be. I still have good days and bad days, it’s just most times the good outweigh the bad and I can shut down those ED thoughts pretty easily. On the bad days, I have to draw on the life I’ve gained, the sport I love, and how far I’ve come to get me through the temptation and self-doubt.

 

There are three main messages I would like to drive home:

 

1)     Don’t judge a book by its cover

2)     Keep your eyes open

3)     Recovery lasts a lifetime

 

Don’t judge a book by its cover

I talked about this a little bit already but don’t think because someone doesn’t look sick that they aren’t in trouble. Eating disorders can go downhill fast and get serious without warning. This also leads into my second point.

 

Keep your eyes open

During the entire three years I struggled with my disorder, those closest to me didn’t have a clue. While I mostly wanted to keep it to myself, there were definite times when a part of me was desperately calling out for help, for someone to see me, to love me enough to stop me from destroying myself. Eating disorders are never invisible. If you know what to look for, you can always spot them, hopefully when they’re very first starting to develop.

Physically, what you’re looking for is more than being skinny. The biggest thing is disproportion. You’ll notice a skull that looks larger in comparison to the rest of the body and often limbs, as well as hands and feet, that appear the same. The jaw line and the collar bone are probably two of the first places weight loss is evident. In my photographs it’s in these places where I look most different. The biggest thing though, and I can’t stress this enough, is behavior. Behavior around food is obviously the biggest one. Moving food around the plate or cutting things into very small pieces is a common trick, as well as excessive chewing. A dramatic limitation in diet as well as comments about calories or fat content is also a sign, particularly when it involves a refusal to eat food previously enjoyed. Body comments can also point towards a problem. Comments about looking, feeling, or thinking one is fat, especially when these comments are uncharacteristic is indicative of the shift of focus and belief that occurs with eating disorders. Something else that might occur is changes in clothing. You might notice the individual starting to wear baggier clothes with long sleeves and pants. Many people think this is caused by the person trying to hind how skinny they are becoming. At least with me, it was the exact opposite – I was trying to hide how fat I thought I was.

These are just some of the things someone on the outside might see in someone who has or is developing an eating disorder but there are others as well. I will say it again – these are NOT invisible disorders if you keep your eyes open.

 

Recovery lasts a lifetime

Something really important for both loved ones and those in recovery to understand is that recovery is a lifetime process. Personally, I don’t believe “recovered” exists. I think it is something we always have to work at every day, it just gets easier as time goes on and the voices get quieter. Recovery also takes a lot of work, even if it’s not the kind you can see. There are still days I have to force myself to eat a meal I don’t want or convince myself it won’t kill me to have another cookie. I will NOT read the back of any boxes anymore and when I was first recovering, I went through my stuff in the kitchen and placed post-it notes over the nutrition facts so I wouldn’t be tempted, nor would I be able to catch a glance by accident. You do what you need to do to make recovery work for you.

For friends and family, just be there. Read up on as much as you can but let your loved one tell you what they need from you and just be there to love them and listen to them. They probably already think they’re crazy and they definitely don’t need you reminding them. Don’t be afraid to ask how they’re doing if they’ve been open with you but please be straight forward about it. The one thing I couldn’t stand was when I’d catch people I’d told sneaking glances at me while I was eating, like I was stupid enough to not realize they were watching me. I’ve always told people to just ask me if they’re legitimately concerned, don’t treat me like a patient in the asylum.

 

The last thing I would like to leave you with is probably the biggest misconception of all: it’s not about food. Let me say that again, eating disorders are not about food. They’re about emotions; pain, fear, anxiety, a world spinning out of control. There are emotions we don’t know what to do with and things in our lives we can’t control and this is the way some of us choose to deal with those things. While sometimes eating disorders start out, or at least appear to start out, with athletics or modeling or something external, there is always an underlying cause that’s on the inside. Restrictive diets and leotards don’t make someone anorexic. You could have a team of twenty gymnasts of about the same size, on the same training schedule, and eating the same limited diet and have nineteen perfectly healthy girls and one with an eating disorder. Many scientists have now begun to think that certain qualities in a person, such as personality type, combined with personal history put some of us at a predisposition, or at the very least a greater risk, for developing eating disorders than others.

 

All I can tell you is about my journey and what a journey it has been! While I’ll admit going public still scares me a little bit, this is a journey I’m proud to be making and a part of me I don’t want to hide anymore. The one thing I do ask is if any of you know my natural, biological family, please do not share what you have learned with them. My family dynamic is complicated to say the least and they aren’t in the place to be able to handle this. I am a big part of what holds things together and the decision to share something so intimate with them is mine and mine alone to be made when and if I see fit. I’d also like to note that this is real and relatively unedited. I sat down and just started typing, never really intending to share all the details but I realize now how important it is to share them, to paint a picture of what a life consumed by an ED is really like, the reality of recovery, and why we choose it despite the rockiness of the road. My hope for all of you who read this is more than a better understanding of me but a better understanding of a disease that has become a cultural phenomenon and happens much more often than you think. Not all stories are the same but I hope knowing what an eating disorder looks like for me will help you to better understand the nature of this beast and learn that, as Romans 8:28 says, “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

 

 

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” – Genesis 50:20