Perfection

I don't know one person who's battled an eating disorder that doesn't struggle with the need to be perfect and I am no exception. I've been doing really well lately accepting myself so I think I'd kind of forgotten how much of a hold perfectionism still has on me until tumbling class the other night.

I was frustrated throughout the entire class and felt like I'd actually digressed from last week, my first week ever doing any of it. It felt like every time I fixed one thing, something else fell apart, which is what my life in general tends to feel like sometimes. I was so frustrated with myself I had to work hard not to cry, which for those of you who know me know that means I was really frustrated because I very rarely cry. With all the confidence and inner strength I've been finding in myself lately, I'm very used to being able to do whatever I put my mind to but that night I felt like I was giving it 150% and still failing. I couldn't will my body to do what I wanted it to no matter how hard I tried, which was triggering. I knew in reality that it takes more than two times to master something completely new but because I'm a perfectionist I felt like I should have it down already and was angry when I didn't. I didn't want to be on a learning curve, I wanted to be able to do it now, felt like I should be able to. The problem wasn't that my round-offs were all over the place, the problem was that I was setting unrealistic expectations for myself and therefore setting myself up for failure. When we expect perfection, how can we not fail? I was so upset, I was in intense emotional pain, pain I could feel in my chest, because I wasn't perfect. I also tend to spiral so feeling like I failed at this made me feel like I failed at life and it just went on from there. It's moments like this when I just want to quit everything. It's moments like this when recovery is hard and giving in to that perfectionism would be easier, especially because intense stress like this takes away my appetite. Something else that sometimes comes along with these feelings of inadequacy is feeling like I have to punish myself for my failure, which can also lead to restriction.

The bottom line though is eating disorders are about pain, emotions we can't handle. We tell ourselves all kinds of things to justify it, to make it make sense in our head, but deep down the cause is always the same. We want to restrict or binge or purge because we're hurting and don't know how to deal with it, don't want to deal with it. We just want the hurt to go away. A lot of times we're scared too. We're afraid that we're not good enough, both for others and for ourselves. We feel like our lives are overwhelming or spinning out of control, like we're just along for the ride. To make sure we're adequate, to keep things under our thumb, we become perfectionists. If I'm the perfect daughter/sister/wife/friend, they won't hurt me anymore. If I'm the perfect athlete, I won't look in the mirror and feel insecure anymore. If my house is perfectly clean or my schoolwork is always 100%, the rest of my life won't feel so out of control. If I'm perfect, I'll finally be good enough, my life will finally be good. This is what we tell ourselves but soon we find we're like a mouse on a wheel - running toward this idea of perfection as fast as we can but never getting anywhere different. It is only when we're able to let go and accept ourselves with all our imperfections and deal honestly with our emotions that we can get off the wheel and start to really live our lives again. We can't be perfect but we can be dedicated, hard-working, funny, kind, smart, ambitious, beautiful. These are the things we can celebrate on a daily basis without condemning ourselves to failure.

Personally, I made myself cry on the way home to help get some of those emotions out and let a little of the pressure loose. I took some time when I got home, watched some of Kati's videos, and just waiting it out a little bit. I ate dinner when I was ready and ate what I wanted. I made it through that episode, one more notch on my belt of successes. I fought the urge to relapse and push those feelings down and sat with them and felt them instead. It wasn't easy by any means but I felt better in the end than I would have if I'd missed a meal, I know that. Kati has an awesome journal exercise about perfectionism that I also did during that time and I attached the video for you guys below. In the words of JJ Heller, "Perfection has a price, but I cannot afford to live that life. It always ends the same, a fight I never win." (JJ Heller - Control)