Once I really started my recovery the one thing I adamantly refused to do was know how much I weigh. Even during my last relapse a year ago, I never stepped back on the scale because I understand the kind of power it has for me. Anytime I have to be weighed at the doctor's office (which is often because I'm in there a lot) I step on backwards which is usually clue enough but when in doubt I tell them I don't want to know. I did this for two years, honestly feeling that knowing that number was the one thing that could cause me to backslide and not sure if I could get myself out again if I did. I just worked on teaching myself that being healthy and in shape is what matters and that my athletic body is something to be proud of. A number doesn't mean squat.
Well, a week or so ago I was looking through paperwork I got from the cardiologist and all of a sudden there is was. My weight had been recorded on the paper and was staring me in the face. My first reaction was panic but then I went "wait....it's okay. That's right where it should be." A sort of peace came over me and suddenly the one thing I though still held so much power over me didn't anymore. I felt free. I still won't look at scales in the future, simply because it doesn't matter but knowing that number and being okay with it...I can't even describe how that feels. I'd been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for years but never really knew what I wanted and was way too chicken. Then I saw a recovery tattoo my friend from the NEDA walk got and I was in love. She said I should get a matching one and I really wanted to but was on the fence. I just wasn't sure this struggle was something I wanted to be made a part of me forever in such an obvious and permanent way. I got my recovery tattoo, matching hers, across my ribs a couple of days after I saw my weight for the first time in over two years.
It felt like a great milestone to commemorate and I felt at peace about owning my journey in that way. I realize that this whole walk is a permanent part of me, whether it's tattooed on me or not, and more importantly that that's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, the victory is something to be proud of and that's what I work to be every day. I know there will still be days when I struggle and maybe even some relapses down the road somewhere but I also know that that's part of the journey and it's okay. Holding ourselves to an insane standard of perfection is what got us into this mess. Realizing we're going to stumble and make mistakes and be human is a part of what sets us free.
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