I got really triggered today and the thoughts were really loud and all I wanted to do was sit at home and wallow in them so-to-speak. Instead though, I got myself up and went to vaulting like I was supposed to and on my gosh did it help! This sport is so therapeutic for me it's ridiculous and I think I sometimes forget that too. My friend on the team also got her silks up tonight and I got my first lesson! It was so fun but I know my arms are going to be sore in the morning. All of this just reminded me again of all the things I CAN do and everything I would have to give up if I fell back into my ED. We try to convince ourselves that THIS time will be different. THIS time we can balance an ED with all the things we want to do in life. THIS time it won't get out of control. THIS time it'll make things better. We "THIS time" ourselves back into the pit and inevitably find out that THIS time is just like all the other times. We're just as miserable as we have been every other time and it controls us just as much as it always has. I know I found this out during my relapse last year around this time. I was convinced that I could handle it, that I could do it all, and I couldn't. An ED takes over your life. Physically, when I restrict I can't do the sport I love anymore and lose all the strength I've worked so hard to build. Mentally, I may feel better in some ways for a little while, but it takes hold so fast and soon I find myself obsessed and living in fear. Emotionally, every day is still a rollercoaster, made worse by the irritability and controlling nature restricting brings with it.
Don't get me wrong though, even knowing all that there are days when I miss my ED. Like I tried to explain to my therapist last night, it's comforting and makes me feel in control. If that's you too, there's nothing to be ashamed of, it's normal. I was having one of those days today until I got out there and remembered all the things I love about my life that I would have to give up if I let my ED win. For me, a big part of recovery is motivation. That was my jump-start. I had to want something else more than I wanted my ED. I want to live a life that makes a difference in the world. I want to have so many experiences and hone so many skills and I know a relapse would rob me of all of that but during those times when I'm stressed or feeling insecure or out of control, those thoughts come back and it's almost like a siren call. Even though we know they're bad, they can be so hard to ignore and remember which direction you're going when you're listening to them, so much so that sometimes we crash. I didn't crash today and I'm proud of myself for that. I reconnected with my last therapist today and talked to her for a good while, just telling her how I've been doing and she's proud of me too. I think talking to her made me realize just how far I've come and how much I've changed, just in the last couple of years. I'm finally living outside of constant fear and trying to live every day just going for it. No matter what I try and if I succeed or fail, I don't want anyone to be able to say I failed because I didn't give it my all. I don't want fear to stop me from doing amazing things ever again.
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