Florida

Wow, where has the time gone? I'm still on top of things here, to the point I scarcely think about it anymore. It was all brought back to my mind though recently when I found out my dear friend Florida had really been struggling. She's been struggling for a long time and I never knew. I immediately felt like a shitty friend. The first thing I did was apologize to her for not being there, for not being the friend I wanted to be and that she needed. Apparently things have been very rocky lately and she relapsed, which happens. She is still so strong and I know she can come back from this. She's currently part of an intensive partial hospitalization program to try and get her anorexia under control again. My heart hurts for her every day and I just wish there was more I could do. I feel so helpless. Please send up as many prayers as you can for her for strength, faith, and continued recovery. This girl is my heart and it hurts so much to see her in pain.

Recovery Playlist!

Hey lovely ladies, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things got a little chaotic with me going out of town last weekend and now contracting what seems to be West Nile (no worries, I seem to be on the mend!). Anyway, I know something that really helps me when I'm feeling icky for any reason is some good music! A good, positive song can really help get you over the hump when you're having one of those down-in-the-dumps kind of days or when those voices are poking at you just a little too much, so I've decided to share my recovery playlist with y'all! I also attempted to link the playlist from my youtube so you can find the songs easier but no promises on how well that'll work. Fingers crossed. Feel free to comment below if you found another song that helps you so I can add it to my list!

(in no particular order)

1) "Try" - Colbie Caillat
2) "Beautiful" - Bethany Dillon
3) "More Beautiful You" - Jonny Diaz
4) "Skin Deep" - Zoegirl
5) "Mirror" - Barlow Girl
6) "One More Round" - Barlow Girl
7) "One More" - Superchick
8) "Crushed and Created" - Caitlyn Smith
9) "Little Victories" - Matt Nathanson
10) "Can't Go Back Now" - The Weepies
11) "Permission to Shine" - Bachelor Girl
12) "Recover" - Natasha Bedingfield
13) "Shine" - Carmen Rasmusen
14) "Don't You Know You're Beautiful" - Kellie Pickler

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEGwD9Oa4g2OI2DoJ1bZePO_R4I3GPmUJ


And if the link works, keep checking back because I'll keep adding more inspirational songs as I find them!

Needing positive vibes!

Hey guys, just popping in to say I'll be making myself scarce for a bit. I'm struggling right now and it's been touch-and-go for the past couple of days. I'm continuing to process as best I can with my therapist and in my private journal and I'll reflect on it here once the storm has passed. I don't want to trigger anyone with details but I do want you guys to know that despite how sunshine-and-rainbows I tend to sound on here (purposely), I do still struggle and go through rough patches and I'm in one now. Anyway, so if y'all could be sending positive thoughts or prayers or whatever my way to help get me through this and figure out what I need to be doing, I'd appreciate it and I promise I'll catch up with y'all once I have my wits about me again. Love!

Perfection

I don't know one person who's battled an eating disorder that doesn't struggle with the need to be perfect and I am no exception. I've been doing really well lately accepting myself so I think I'd kind of forgotten how much of a hold perfectionism still has on me until tumbling class the other night.

I was frustrated throughout the entire class and felt like I'd actually digressed from last week, my first week ever doing any of it. It felt like every time I fixed one thing, something else fell apart, which is what my life in general tends to feel like sometimes. I was so frustrated with myself I had to work hard not to cry, which for those of you who know me know that means I was really frustrated because I very rarely cry. With all the confidence and inner strength I've been finding in myself lately, I'm very used to being able to do whatever I put my mind to but that night I felt like I was giving it 150% and still failing. I couldn't will my body to do what I wanted it to no matter how hard I tried, which was triggering. I knew in reality that it takes more than two times to master something completely new but because I'm a perfectionist I felt like I should have it down already and was angry when I didn't. I didn't want to be on a learning curve, I wanted to be able to do it now, felt like I should be able to. The problem wasn't that my round-offs were all over the place, the problem was that I was setting unrealistic expectations for myself and therefore setting myself up for failure. When we expect perfection, how can we not fail? I was so upset, I was in intense emotional pain, pain I could feel in my chest, because I wasn't perfect. I also tend to spiral so feeling like I failed at this made me feel like I failed at life and it just went on from there. It's moments like this when I just want to quit everything. It's moments like this when recovery is hard and giving in to that perfectionism would be easier, especially because intense stress like this takes away my appetite. Something else that sometimes comes along with these feelings of inadequacy is feeling like I have to punish myself for my failure, which can also lead to restriction.

The bottom line though is eating disorders are about pain, emotions we can't handle. We tell ourselves all kinds of things to justify it, to make it make sense in our head, but deep down the cause is always the same. We want to restrict or binge or purge because we're hurting and don't know how to deal with it, don't want to deal with it. We just want the hurt to go away. A lot of times we're scared too. We're afraid that we're not good enough, both for others and for ourselves. We feel like our lives are overwhelming or spinning out of control, like we're just along for the ride. To make sure we're adequate, to keep things under our thumb, we become perfectionists. If I'm the perfect daughter/sister/wife/friend, they won't hurt me anymore. If I'm the perfect athlete, I won't look in the mirror and feel insecure anymore. If my house is perfectly clean or my schoolwork is always 100%, the rest of my life won't feel so out of control. If I'm perfect, I'll finally be good enough, my life will finally be good. This is what we tell ourselves but soon we find we're like a mouse on a wheel - running toward this idea of perfection as fast as we can but never getting anywhere different. It is only when we're able to let go and accept ourselves with all our imperfections and deal honestly with our emotions that we can get off the wheel and start to really live our lives again. We can't be perfect but we can be dedicated, hard-working, funny, kind, smart, ambitious, beautiful. These are the things we can celebrate on a daily basis without condemning ourselves to failure.

Personally, I made myself cry on the way home to help get some of those emotions out and let a little of the pressure loose. I took some time when I got home, watched some of Kati's videos, and just waiting it out a little bit. I ate dinner when I was ready and ate what I wanted. I made it through that episode, one more notch on my belt of successes. I fought the urge to relapse and push those feelings down and sat with them and felt them instead. It wasn't easy by any means but I felt better in the end than I would have if I'd missed a meal, I know that. Kati has an awesome journal exercise about perfectionism that I also did during that time and I attached the video for you guys below. In the words of JJ Heller, "Perfection has a price, but I cannot afford to live that life. It always ends the same, a fight I never win." (JJ Heller - Control)

Role Models

During my earlier recovery days, and still now, I really enjoyed looking up celebrities and others in the public eye who had struggled with and overcome eating disorders and I was in hog heaven when I could find a memoir from one. Here are my favorite recovery warriors:

 

Tracey Gold struggled battled anorexia twice in her life and the second time almost lost her battle. Her book "Room to Grow: An Appetite for Life" is one of my favorites and I've read it many times.

 

 

Jennifer Kirk is a retired competitive figure skater. She won the gold medal at the World Junior Championships in 2000 and quit competitive skating a year before her Olympic circuit to get her eating disorder under control. I can't recall for certain which type she had. Now she is an advocate for eating disorder awareness and healthy body image. She has several self-help videos on her Youtube channel that I really like and has responded to me both via Facebook and email. She's such a sweetheart. I was going to link her channel here but I can't seem to find it. I asked her about it and if I can get to the videos I'll post them because they're awesome.

 

 

Demi Lovato has kind of become the poster-child for mental illness awareness lately and I think she's been doing a great job! Not too long ago, Demi came out about her struggles with bulimia, self-injury, and bipolar disorder. Now she's constantly in the spotlight promoting positive body image and loving yourself just the way you are. She doesn't have a book out yet that I know of but she definitely needs to write one!

 

 

 

This young lady isn't in the spotlight much and her battle with anorexia wasn't a huge public thing but I still really enjoy her story and the way she goes about life today. Miss Scarlett Pomers tells her story here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMHBzEsNDI4

 

 

While I don't necessarily agree with a lot of the choices Portia de Rossi makes in her life, her story of recovery is inspiring. I haven't yet finished her book "Unbearable Lightness" but while it's good and very honest, it is more triggering than Tracey's because of the amount of details and the way it's written so just be mindful of that if you decide to pick it up. She shares her story on "Ellen" here (it's in two parts): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Sl7L3MzQo

 

 

Those are just a few of the ladies I've looked up who have shared their stories of illness and recovery. A few others I know are on the list but either there isn't much out there about that part of their lives or I just haven't looked into them much are:

 

• Kellie Martin (actress, "Christy")
• Candace Cameron (actress, "Full House")
• Wynonna Judd (singer)
• Dana Delaney (actress)
• Princess Diana (late ex-wife of Prince Charles)
• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (reality tv star, "Jersey Shore")
• Brittany Snow (actress, "Hairspray")
• Kelly Clarkson (singer, American Idol winner)
• Katie Couric (talk show host, tv journalist)
• Danielle Fishel (actress, "Boy Meets World")
• Paula Abdul (singer, former American Idol judge)
• Jessica Alba (actress, "Fantastic Four")
• Kate Winslet (actress, "Titanic")
• Amanda Beard (US Olympic swimmer)
• Nadia Comaneci (Russian Olympic gymnast)
• Kathy Rigby (US Olympic gymnast)

The last person I'd like to share makes it in my list as a warrior because of all she does to promote awareness and all the time she spends helping those of us who struggle. Kati Morton is a licensed therapist out of Los Angeles, California who specializes in eating disorders. She's also the head of a huge online community of those battling eating disorders, self-harm, and other mental illnesses. She puts out videos 5 days a week on various topics and has a website, complete with forums to talk with others who share our struggles and free workbooks you can download for self-harm and eating disorders. Her Youtube channel is https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton and her website is katimorton.com

 

 

Which recovery warriors inspire you?

Connections

Going public with my eating disorder was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was making myself vulnerable and open to judgment and being vulnerable is something I really struggle with, even in the safety of my therapy room and with my closest friends. While getting my feelings and my story out has been really cathartic for me, what has helped me heal the most and brought me the most blessing is all the connections I've made and how much I've been able to help others through my transparency. Now I will say that to protect the privacy of the wonderful women I've met who may not be ready to go public with their personal journeys, I'm going to give everyone nicknames instead of using their real names, at least for those who have been through our struggle. Anyway...

I met Florida at the NEDA walk in my hometown in October of 2013. She is still dear to my heart and I try to see her and her daughter as much as I can. We were both walking alone and got to talking. I told her about vaulting and she came out to try it and has been a special member of the team every since. If I hadn't taken the risk of going to that walk and saying openly that I was there because I had struggled, I wouldn't have a friendship that means so much to me and someone who I have helped and has helped me through recovery.

My beautiful roommate in college, Barefoot, and I lived together for many months before we opened up to each other and discovered we had both suffered from eating disorders. It meant so much to have someone that close to me who understood what I was going through. I knew I always had someone to talk to about it if things got rough.

I frequently share things on my Facebook from different recovery groups and eating disorder pages and after seeing something I'd posted, an online friend I'd conversed with many times, Daisy, told me of her current struggles with an eating disorder. I was the first person she ever told. I was able to give her support and let her know she wasn't alone, as well as find her a good counselor who in-turn found her a program to help her jump-start her recovery.

The other day at work, Fajita, one of my co-workers, opened up to our other co-workers that she used to be anorexic. She bravely answered their prying questions and tried to explain such an intimate, confusing part of her life. I sent her a message the next day to let her know I was in recovery too and she could always talk to me. I could hear the relief in her words as she typed back. She said how hard it'd been for her to share that with everyone and that she's almost cried...and that she still struggles. I told her that I do too and we bonded. Now, we know each other, understand each other, on a whole new level and we can both tell, even if we never speak of it again. We both know the other is there to understand our struggle.

Connecting with other amazing warriors brings me so much joy and helps me know that even in the hard times I made the right decision by putting my struggles and my journey out there. Those I meet because of it help me as much as I help them. If nothing else, we both leave knowing there's someone out there who understands, who gets us in a way no one else can. That in itself empowers us to move forward, knowing we don't have to do it alone.

Numbers

So I'm really going to try and use this thing more to document my journey in recovery from my eating disorder, as well as spreading awareness so that's what I'm attempting here. This happened a week or so ago but I wanted to share it with you guys. :)

Once I really started my recovery the one thing I adamantly refused to do was know how much I weigh. Even during my last relapse a year ago, I never stepped back on the scale because I understand the kind of power it has for me. Anytime I have to be weighed at the doctor's office (which is often because I'm in there a lot) I step on backwards which is usually clue enough but when in doubt I tell them I don't want to know. I did this for two years, honestly feeling that knowing that number was the one thing that could cause me to backslide and not sure if I could get myself out again if I did. I just worked on teaching myself that being healthy and in shape is what matters and that my athletic body is something to be proud of. A number doesn't mean squat.

Well, a week or so ago I was looking through paperwork I got from the cardiologist and all of a sudden there is was. My weight had been recorded on the paper and was staring me in the face. My first reaction was panic but then I went "wait....it's okay. That's right where it should be." A sort of peace came over me and suddenly the one thing I though still held so much power over me didn't anymore. I felt free. I still won't look at scales in the future, simply because it doesn't matter but knowing that number and being okay with it...I can't even describe how that feels. I'd been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for years but never really knew what I wanted and was way too chicken. Then I saw a recovery tattoo my friend from the NEDA walk got and I was in love. She said I should get a matching one and I really wanted to but was on the fence. I just wasn't sure this struggle was something I wanted to be made a part of me forever in such an obvious and permanent way. I got my recovery tattoo, matching hers, across my ribs a couple of days after I saw my weight for the first time in over two years.

It felt like a great milestone to commemorate and I felt at peace about owning my journey in that way. I realize that this whole walk is a permanent part of me, whether it's tattooed on me or not, and more importantly that that's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, the victory is something to be proud of and that's what I work to be every day. I know there will still be days when I struggle and maybe even some relapses down the road somewhere but I also know that that's part of the journey and it's okay. Holding ourselves to an insane standard of perfection is what got us into this mess. Realizing we're going to stumble and make mistakes and be human is a part of what sets us free.